The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
A: OH SNaP!
A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
Q: What did one ion say to the other?
A: I've got my ion you.
Q: Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?
A: To reduce his carbon footprint.
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: One molar solution.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you," The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Q: What do you call a clown who's in jail?
A: A silicon.
Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
A: Because it's pretty basic stuff.
Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from?
A: Separation anxiety.
Q: Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Florence Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!" The husband replied, "Calm down, honey. We'll find a solution."
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: "Let's meet at the endpoint."
Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
A: Breaking up is hard to do.
Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
Q: What is "HIJKLMNO"?
Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A:C over lambda.
Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Q: What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?
A: Polar Bond.